Musings

I just read this  article about  Maddi Runkles, and 18-year-old pregnant teen who isn't allowed to walk in her high school graduation ceremony, and is "hurt" about it. Read the article. Then please come back. All over facebook and twitter, her school receives scathing opposition for being Pharisaical, and she receives support for being brave and wonderful because she isn't aborting her baby. The telling part of the article for me were these words: When 18-year-old Maddi Runkles found out in January that she was pregnant, she was terrified. "​I had a lot of fear just because of my background, growing up in church and stuff like that and going to a Christian school, and I just knew what everyone was going to think about me and my family once they found out," the Maryland teenager told  As It Happens  host Carol Off. It tells me, sadly, that Maddi was worried pregnancy would expose her immorality.  Not that she was concerned about the imm...

Here I am. In the last 12 months, we have moved three times, and bought a house! I have a darling fifth child half of the time, and my husband is unemployed, having been fired from the job we moved here for. The Lord has been stretching me, but I don't know if I feel that it has grown me. I think I have a deeper trust in Him, but mostly I just feel.....stretched. The good news is that it isn't all in my head. I have some Hormone, Iron, and Sleep Deprivation issues that I am trying to resolve. The Doctor says to lower my stress levels. She asked me to think about what I enjoy doing (going to the bathroom myself??) I think the first thing I will do is start rising at a consistent time, keep taking my pills, read better stuff, and steer clear of Facebook. I have a couple of awesome accountability partners in this, so I am ready.

Gabriel got a camera for Christmas. A Camera. He loves it. I have already had to delete multiple photos because he filled up his card. He took several grueling 7 second videos of himself capturing the ground of Mom's backyard as he walked around it. When I glanced at his recent pictures, I was reminded of crime scene photos. A Toilet, Fairy wings on the floor, Entire rooms, Open books, Partial face shots of his sisters, and his Skateboard, are all been preserved for my viewing pleasure. I must say, his perspective on the stove while dinner was cooking interested me for longer than many of the others. It is a little shocking to me that he takes pictures of messy things. I never would. He comes to life exuberantly, and expresses that through the lens. To him, my clean kitchen and his disastrous room are equally fascinating subjects. He keeps trying to take pictures of me when I am in my pajamas. I guess to him, I am equally interesting pregnant and unkempt or showered and...

Yesterday was the long awaited ultrasound at Swedish Medical Center. The ultrasound technology there was definitely more advanced than any ultrasound I have ever experienced. The increased clarity made many things easily observable even to my untrained eye. Here is a synopsis: The spot on the heart is still there. The Doctor explained this as a non-specific, or slight marker for Downs Syndrome. The baby doesn't seem to have any other anomalies specific to Downs. However, while he was taking images, he affirmed that the heart function looked normal (Hurray!). He also pointed out that the bowel was bright, which the genetic counselor called a variant that could be caused by multiple things: I could have bled more internally than we thought, and the baby could have swallowed it, I could have contracted a virus that passed onto her, She could have cystic fibrosis. Or, it could be what she called a "normal variant" that may be related to some placental issues that we...

Last Tuesday was my 20 week ultrasound. There are a couple concerns. First, there is an echogenic left ventricular intracardiac focus. Second, the head circumference is in the 34th percentile, while the Biparietal Diameter is below the 5th percentile. What does this mean? First, the EIF thing is a spot of mineralization on the baby's left ventricular chamber. This occurs often enough, and with the absence of other anomalies that would associate with trisomies 13, 18 and 21, can disappear by the third trimester. It doesn't seem to usually cause heart problems with the Baby after birth. Oddly enough, this doesn't stress me out until I say it out loud.  Second, The BPD is more concerning to me. It IS often associated with those trisomies, yet I have no other risk factors. This is the measurement across the baby's head from temple to temple. This being small is sometimes associated with placental issues, so I have some questions in my mind about that. In one study...

I am now nineteen weeks along! So thankful for this little life that God is sustaining inside of me. We are slowly getting back into the swing of things, and I am having to calm down about the state of things. I am SO tired. My midwife says that it will take a little bit of time to regain my stamina after being on bedrest. This last week I was able to go on some walks. I have been mostly making dinner, and have even washed some dishes! School with Gabriel is going...but just at a rustier pace than I would prefer. In other news, my kids argue about what apologist/pastor to listen to (Gabriel prefers John MacArthur, and Abigail adamantly defends James White), and we are working on being kind to each other. Hannah is able to say a few more words, which are adorable. I love my family, and am so thankful for them. Please pray that I won't get too overwhelmed and stressed about everything. I love all you Aunties who remember me!

Emotionally, I have never been here before.  I have had to sit around, watching everything degenerate,unable to do anything about it. Unable to do anything, actually. There are several difficult parts about this. The actual physical aspect of it, feeling sick, sitting around. The emotional aspect. It is hard for me to be such a taker. To actually ask people to bring us meals, or watch my kids, or babysit me! This is really been weird because it wars with my pride on multiple planes. But the most humbling aspect of all this has been the outpouring (and I mean FLOOD-like), of prayers by the saints on behalf of our Baby. On behalf of me. When I didn't know if I was losing this baby, when I didn't know HOW I should feel about it, so many people called, texted, and emailed reassurances that they are praying for me. This threw me into an awareness of how Godless I can really be. There are so many things I don't pray for as I ought, and I think I am learning that...a bit. ...

This morning I went to have another ultrasound to see what is going on. The fabulous news is that our baby is growing really well (they even upped my due date two days)! Here is what our sweet little jellybean looks like now, around two and a half inches: The Lab tech also saw what is called a perigestational hemorrhage that has increased in size over the last six weeks. The increase has only been by a couple millimeters, but the fact that there is blood visible in the same spot (just above my cervix) as six weeks ago concerned the tech. It is even more of a concern to my midwife. I am a little unclear on what this actually is. My understanding is that it is common, but should have healed up by now. Charlotte's concern is that if I bleed, it can cause contractions and possibly cause a more serious abruption to the placenta. While I am not consigned to bedrest, I am still supposed to take it easy for several more weeks....

Last week, our Pastor preached out of Ephesians. If you feel like being convicted about your prayer life, you can listen here . I did, and was. I think the most important thing that stuck with me was a quote when he pointed out the priority of not being distracted- I will paraphrase, "Who cares if the world falls apart? YOU meet with GOD." I have been this week, and I am so amazed by the sin in my life. I guess you may have expected me to say something like "everything is fraught with spiritual meaning!" or "I have achieved victory over my short tempered responses to my children" or "I think of others so much more." I actually don't think any of these things are true, but what has become true is that God has convicted me more of the constant allowance I make fore my little sins against the little people I spend all day with. To be honest, I could involve myself in scandalous sins if I wished, but the Lord has given me the discipline to ...

I had one resolution this year. To make it extra easy, I even decided it would only be my focus for the month of January, because if I can do something successfully for a month, then another month won't be hard, right? It worked for menu planning, and breakfast-for-husband making. Of course, the laundry thing still hasn't turned out too well, but dropping some money at Costco to organize the area should take care of any lingering issues in that department. I hope. No, with this resolution, I determined to break out of years of bad habits and destructive patterns groomed by my family life pre-marriage. To make it easier, I narrowed the scope of this behavioral shift:                                           I would not interrupt.                                        ...

Sometimes an opening sentence will not come to me. It is evening, on the Lord’s Day (and yes, I know they are all His), my Littles are in bed, my Handsome Man is studying for his firefighter test on Wednesday, and my house is tidied. I just finished washing dishes. The last dish to be washed was my yellow bowl. This is what I want to muse about. My yellow bowl. I make all my scones in it, eat all my popcorn from it, and generally look upon it with fondness. It was my Grandmother’s bowl, and I got it from her kitchen after she passed. I have a few things of hers: a brown leather coat, a volume of Shakespeare, and a middle name….which I gave to one of my daughters….maybe I will give the bowl to the other one. Every time I wash this particular bowl, I am flooded with memories. She made delicious peanut butter cookies in this bowl. This very same bowl that I serve others out of is a reminder to me of her selfless love for others. The examples of this are too many to mention. Not only di...

My kitchen table is many things, but its most important function is creating a comfortable place for my sweet littles to wax eloquent. Typically, I try not to be one of those moms who talks about their children on every media outlet they can find, but let’s be honest, there are some Great Aunties who eat this stuff for…well, breakfast. Several things this morning. We often listen to Dr. Mohler’s podcast as a general news source in the morning. As a recap of some of the recent executive orders came over, Gabriel was paying more attention to it than I was. Suddenly, he says, “WHAT???, does this mean I won’t get to keep my Cap gun?” Later, sated by several waffles and a sausage, he looked across the table and politely queried, “ Mama, do you want to know what I am going to name my three wives?” Let me tell you, Irish Breakfast is not supposed to go down my bronchial tubes like that, but I coughed it out somewhat safely. I pondered which worldview to sort out first, and decided to clari...

Here I am, sitting in a local coffee shop, drinking coffee, writing, calling, organizing, being. My sweet husband is home with my darlings, which allows me this hour and a half break. This week has been great! I have been rising early, seeking my God first, making my household a generally pleasant place to be. We started schooling again this week, so Gabriel and Abigail are loving that, and Hannah is not. She thinks it ridiculous that attention be focused anywhere else. Tonight I have to fold laundry to keep up on that challenge, make dinner, tidy up before some boys come over to hear the doctrine of God as presented in the scriptures elaborated upon by Nate. Time to Go!

Remember the great Laundry Challenge? Well, unlike the Great Breakfast Challenge (which perhaps should be renamed "Breakfast: Accomplished-Sometimes Twice"), it remains an elusive, un-achieved goal. Perhaps I should rename it "Clean Clothes Confronted"- no, in actuality the dirty clothes are being confronted - and put through quite an ordeal. It isn't only them being agitated over this. The good thing about the word 'confrontation' is that it  puts me into a more aggressive planning mode. I know what I need to do. Get a better system. Right now I have two baskets. One for clean, one for dirty. I run three types of loads: darks, lights, and towels with bleach. My single basket overflows before there is enough to run one of these loads. This makes me look and feel more behind than I am. Tomorrow I am going out.... The good news is that last week I was great until Wednesday. Then I never folded Thursday's until Friday....you get the picture. Right n...

So, last Saturday I turned 30. And vomited. Because I had the flu. Just like last year on my birthday. Yes, it makes me feel fragmented. And headachy. Back to normal sentences. There were some similarities to last year, such as my husband sympathetically joining me in this illness, leaving us both weak and tired. Thankfully, there were also differences, such as not being hospitalized due to preterm labor being brought on by said illness. While I was thankful for this, I really struggled with missing church! This particular flu has hit both my littles, making the total of missed sermons 3! I am so excited to be able to fellowship this coming Sunday. As far as goals go, I did achieve running three miles without stopping prior to December 1st, which shocks me. In fact, I am so shocked that I have nothing more to say about it. Except that today, owing to illness, 10 days between runs, and general malaise, I was only able to do a mile and a half, then a quarter. Bleh. My 15 minute pl...

Going into our marriage, we both thought that I would make lunches.You know, the kind that you pack for your husband to take to work? Well, I did. This went rather well, overall, until my first pregnancy. After that, it became hit and miss. More miss. He got used to making his own lunch, in addition to breakfast, and I got used to going back to bed with a baby. Five years went by. Two weeks ago, I started adding breakfast to my menu planning (my two week rotation has been going pretty strong!). I have been getting up, making his breakfast and lunch, then either making my tea for my Bible reading, or going back to bed….depending on what time he leaves. I am really happy about this! Of course, I have to menu plan, or I stumble around my kitchen aimlessly looking like a mole. If I can keep it up for another two weeks, in December I am going to add something else. The great laundry challenge. I am terrible at laundry. Half of the time my husband does it. The other times I create amazin...

This evening I completed my new two week cycle for dinners and breakfasts. I began doing this about two months ago. It is SO much easier for me to stick with. First of all, let me extol the virtues of menu planning. Your grocery shopping is more efficient, saving you time, money, and waste. This is especially true if you choose more than one dinner that will feature your newly purchased (and not part of your usual fare) asparagus or red bell peppers. You do not have to stress every day, hoping you have the ingredients for whatever it is you are craving. When your darling husband comes home and casually inquires concerning that evening's repast, you do not answer with the dreaded, brain emptying, "UMMMM" before you try to pitch tomato soup and tuna melts as an option that was planned. In this area it becomes extremely helpful to network with other lovely wives you know to see what they do. For some reason, every time that I have a baby I feel that I am completely start...

The words of Andrew Murray: "To know how to speak to God is more than knowing how to speak to man."  I found this convicting and encouraging. Since baby number three has arrived, it has been difficult for me to have a purposed prayer time for any length of time. I am still quite faithfully praying for others, but am not taking the time to really communicate with my Father. On my Kindle I have been reading Lord, Teach Us to Pray by Murray. He goes through the teaching of Jesus on prayer. Reflecting upon Jesus' directions in Matthew 6, Murray points out that  "...the first thing the Lord teaches His disciples is that they must have a secret place for prayer; every one must have some solitary spot where he can be alone with his God."  For me, solitary is not a spot, it is a time . My living room is not a lonely location, but at 6:00 in the morning I have ample assurance of not being disturbed were I to seek my Lord's face there. Sometimes I worry about ...

God was gracious, darling Hannah turned, and was born safely and easily at my midwife's. This Wednesday will mark the thirteenth week into my adventure as a mother of three. The transition itself presented unique challenges. On the one hand, things aren't that much harder because I already possessed a practical understanding of scheduling multiple variables. I remembered that adding a new baby meant that everything takes 30 minutes longer, but I forgot how difficult lack of sleep is to my general abilities. Unfortunately, at 5 weeks along, all the darlings were stricken with a terrible cold that lasted around three weeks. Then we got healthy, then sick again, I had a couple two day migraines, I haven't been getting up on time, etc. I have this delightfully planned routine that is even up on my refrigerator, but I am sabotaging myself by not going to bed on time. This week that changes! If  I get enough sleep during the night, I won't have to sleep during nap time, so ...

Good Evening World, I sit in our chaotic schoolroom watching my almost two year old put the lid on the chalk container because she wisely only needs one piece at a time. I do adore her. Today I completed my first ever day of official home (pre)schooling. Well, as official as it can be with Gabriel calling me "teacher" and gluing the sun and moon on blue construction paper as we learn about how God made the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night. Holds already wait at the library for books about sea creatures for when we learn about that part of creation. Hurray! I must say, getting going was easier than I imagined. I feel ridiculous. I definitely have nothing of value to say...However, as a matter of discipline, especially now that fall has started, it seems perspicacious to begin some sort of accountability in the greater blogosphere.... My goals for this week: Start getting up on time...TOMORROW. I will let you know how it goes. Good nig...